Jumped the Gun...

Ok, so I know that the jillions o people who tune in daily to read about my life will be devestated by this, but I am not quite ready to blog just yet. Gonna take a little break from this here 'puter to focus on some other things on this planet...and the God who made it.

Be back eventually! :)

Too Big For Your Britches

My Grandma used to say that when we started acting like we knew more about life than we actually did. If she were here I am sure she would have said it to me not too long ago. I probably wouldn't have listened. God has made sure that I heard it though. Loud and clear. I'm at a point in my life, probably just where He wants me, where I feel like I don't know anything about anything. I guess I know some things about some things. Its just that a lot of things that I once thought I had figured out seem so confusing to me now. People that I once thought I had figured out confuse me now. That's where grace comes in I suppose. And prayer. I just would really like some clarity and insight....and a few miracles would be nice.

My Purpose

I had a moment with Jesus yesterday. Actually an hour. Three kids at VBS and one taking a nap. My O my! Yup. It was some good stuff. AND I was really happy to see them when they got home! I have been all kinds of in love with my girls for about a week now. You know, just really loving everything about them. And two of those days they were CRA - ZY!

Anyway, me and Jesus. SO, I've been having some feelings of 'purposelessness.' (My blog, my vocabulary.:) I know, I know love and serve the husband, invest in future generations, blah blah blah. :) But I just felt like there needed to be more.

Well, the Lord sweetly corrected me...there actually needs to be LESS. Over the last couple of weeks He has, in all of His love and kindness, been telling me to get my Martha be-hind out of the kitchen and sit a bit at His feet.

He lead me to these verses where I found my purpose...

John 4:21-24
Jesus replied, “Believe me, dear woman, the time is coming when it will no longer matter whether you worship the Father on this mountain or in Jerusalem. You Samaritans know very little about the one you worship, while we Jews know all about him, for salvation comes through the Jews. But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way. For God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth.”

True worship.

That's all He wants.

That's why He made me.

So He could love me...

and I could love Him.

Pretty simple really.

Why do we complicate it so much?

Yeah. So.

I don't have many reasons real reasons for not blogging for the last 5 months.

And I don't have any real reasons for starting back up again.

And I don't really have a point to this post either except that you have to start somewhere.

Well, I guess I could acknowledge the redecorating. I personalized a bit. I had to. Like I told Deleise, (someday I'll learn how to link to people where you can just click on their name. Sorry, Deleise, I don't know how. But if you don't know Deleise, she is way cool. ;) it's kind of like when you are feeling really unorganized. The only answer to buy a really cool planner. Or when you want to boost your prayer life? Of course, you need a beautiful journal and a purple pen. Or sometimes I go with pink. Anyway, I would have loved to pay someone cool to do it, but when I casually, while looking out of the corner of my eye, mentioned it to the hubby it was a clear negative. However, the sweetie did drop $20 on our date night at Wal-Mart to buy Print ?something rather? 2009 so I could semi-computer crafty something up myself. Yep, he knows how to win a girl.

SO, the name. I'll go ahead and explain...
Imagine with me the quiet morning with precious wee ones sleeping away and just me and Jesus sipping coffee at the kitchen table. Then one by one the angels wake up and begin the transformation from sleepy-eyes and blankies to hungry tornadoes fighting over baby dolls (those poor baby dolls). And after that is diapers and breakfast and chores. But then, for a moment, there is a calm in the storm the perfect time to return to the kitchen to grab a sip of ...UGH. Cold coffee. No biggie, heat it up. Beep. Beep. 30 seconds. START. MMMM.

So, why bother reheating the coffee? Maybe just for just another moment of yumminess? No, for me I think it is more than that. I think it is to steal just one more minute from the day to sit in peaceful meditation of the God of the Universe. To flash back and reminisce of a simpler time...you know, like an hour ago...when He seemed so close. And to carry that moment a little bit further into my day. And that's sort of what I feel here on this little blog. A place to document the chaos of this life I live, but even more the Peace that I find there.

Of course, about half the time, there is another end to the story. If it hadn't been for Robin (again no linking, but she's way cool too!) I would have thought I was the only one this happens to. Some days you make it to lunch or dinner, open the microwave and there, lonely and forgotten, sits cold coffee. But you know, I smile EVERY time it happens, though, because I know more at that moment than any other that He is in the midst of my chaos. Whether I get a chance to sit and have that coffee with Him or not, He carries me through each day.

Consumed

David Crowder has a song where he sings,

Im so bored of little gods,
While standing on the edge of something large,
While standing here so close to you,
We could be consumed.


Here are some of my list of 'little gods':

Comfort. BIG ONE.
People and their opinion of me.
Pride.
Control.
My house.
Stuff.
Food.
Friendships.
Weight control. Or lack of.
Computer.
Parenting.
Safety.
Security.

These are just a few of the things that left alone can consume me. A lot of them are really good things, but anything that consumes my heart more than Christ alone is an idol. I believe what the lyrics say, we are all on the edge of something oh so large, but these idols keep our focus off of Jesus. He is so close. A breath away. By lifting our eyes to the healer of our heart, the blessed controller of all of our chaos, the lover of our soul, we could be consumed...with HIM. Not these little gods that leave us feeling...bored.

John 10:10 "....I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."


What are you little gods that rob you of the abundant life that Jesus offers?

Child at Heart

Ashlyn, my 3rd daughter, will be 4 next month. Ashlyn is an emotional tornado. I can't really explain it...it's not normal behavioral stuff...its more like dealing with someone who is drunk. We have checked with our pediatritian on anything physically/mentally wrong. He assures me she's fine. I warned him that he may find her on his door step. :) I'm pretty sure that her issues were custom designed by her Creator to keep her mommy close to Jesus.

Right now her outlet is squeaking. Yes, squeaking. Imagine if a mouse could talk, and that is what she sounds like. Today she said to me, 'Im sad and I want you to hold me!' So I picked her up and held her. The way I was holding her, I could see just her face and suddenly I got a glimpse of the way she looked as a 2 month old and at once all of the frustration was replaced with those sweet new baby feelings...(except that she cried all the time then too, but please allow me to glamorize it a moment :)

I immediatley thought that is how God sees me. When I am falling apart, throwing a screaming fit on the floor, I'm pretty scary looking. But as soon as I crawl up in His lap and let Him hold me He sees the little girl I am inside. I am so thankful that He is the one place I can take a break from being a grown-up. I still have so many hurts from childhood, and I know that He is the Healer of those wounds but only when I will let Him hold me and have access to those parts of my heart will He step in.

It is my prayer that I would parent Ashlyn, and all my girls, in a way that she can trust me with her heart, that she comes to me with her hurts, so that as she grows it will be natural for her to go to her Father. And that they would experience His love through me.

This is a God-sized prayer. I have a long way to go. But I trust Him.

Bipolar Parenting

Yes, thats my official diagnosis. One day I have SO much joy and love for my princesses that I can't stand it and the next day I want to run away from home...FOREVER! I am pretty sure they would find me though...if for nothing else someone would need their blankie washed or help finding thieir favorite jeans.

SIGH.

I'm so happy they need me. Really I am. I am so thankful I have them. REALLY. I am. I just sometimes would like to have conversations with big girl words....and coffee...and no whining, except maybe my own. :)

How sweet the sound!

I read this quote last week and it made me sit and smile. :)

Grace is the embrace of God's acceptance in our humiliation.

I don't know about you, but I could use an embrace in my humiliation. I just love the way He loves me.

Oh my! You have your hands full!!!

The girls and I leave the house all together about 1 to 2 times a week. Few outings are complete without the following conversation...It really does happen everywhere...Taco Bueno, Walmart church, anywhere really. Today it happened to be the doctor's office. Here is the typical exchange...

Well intentioned onlooker: Wow, 4 girls?
Me: Yes. -SMILE-
Them: Are they all yours?
Me: They are! -SMILE-
Them: How old are they?
Me: Almost 9, Just turned 6, Almost 4, and 19 months (I would just give current ages, but then the children correct me and clarify the birthdays and it just gets complicated)
Them: You don't look old enough.
Me: I'm not!

Next could be a variety of choices including:
Them: Were you trying for a boy?
Me: No.

Them: Poor Daddy!
Me: He actually LOVES it!

Them: Are you done?
Me: I'm done being pregnant. (This confuses most, we have always felt that adoption will be in our future...I always assumed we would want more girls, but God is really softening our hearts towards boys!)

Them: OH, I feel sorry for you guys in about ten years.
Me: We can't wait!

Them: WOW, 4 weddings!
Me: I know, SO fun!!!

Them: Well, they're precious! You've got your hands full!
Me: Yes, but its fun!

I hate that people always look at our girls a such a 'handful'. I try very hard to diffuse the negitivity by speaking well of our children. My resopnses don't always reflect my feelings that very moment, at the moment I probably want to tie one or more of my sweet girls to a chair! However, I want to share the attitude of joy in mothering my children that I have deep down. I think the world has really robbed us of embracing the blessing of family. We are trained to look at children as sweet playthings that we can put on a shelf when they are holding us back or putting a burden on our time, our finances, careers, social lives etc. This has been a struggle for me, but I want model to them a committed love that God has for His children. I want to model what it looks like to lay down my life to serve God in whatever way He calls me to...even if I would choose to serve Him in a different way. I've also noticed lately that my girls listen to how I speak to others, especially where it concerns them. I want them to be able to trust me to speak well of them so that they can trust me with their hearts.

This is the day the Lord has made, I will be glad and rejoice in it!!!

My second daughter lost her first tooth last night. Here is the thing though...it was only lose for TWO days! She confessed last night to trying to pry apart two waffle blocks with her teeth which obviously sped up the process!!! I never even saw it coming...Im pretty sure I JUST gave her Orajel on her pacifier for cutting the first set, and now she's LOOSING THEM??? UGH. Lesson #803 in SAVORING each moment. I am in the process of shedding every extra ounce of weight that holds me back from floating away in the joy that the Lord has given me in this life. Not that I will not have a burden to carry, but I refuse to let any amount of bondage hold me down. I want to drown myself in nail polish and dollhouse furniture, hairbows and sippy cups, memory verses and crayons...for someday, all to soon, these things will be part of my past...not my present. And there will be a touch of sadness each time I see a baby blanket or a little pink Bible.

Lord, thank you for trusting me with your children. It is a gift and an honor. I pray that you continually remind me to drink in each moment for this season will soon pass me by.

This can't be normal...

I need to have a public pity party. Would you mind humoring me for a minute? I have had quite the day...and it is now 8:30am. I can remember a day when I NEVER even saw 8:30AM. Today my day started at 5:30AM. I love starting my day early...but I like to do it ALONE with Jesus. UGH...anyway, all before breakfast I have woke up to a sobbing teething toddler, fed her breakfast, teething tablets, back to bed...time with God, half of a pilates video until the 8 year old wakes up, who enjoys a good pilates workout...and being the dancer she is thinks its cool to critique her mother who is less like Gumby, more like...well, not Gumby. So we turn the video off. The rest of the sweet angels awake and the games begin...including, but not limited to...fighting over the Leapster, getting the book away from the dog, 3 changes of panties for the one with diarrea (sp?), start laundry, argue with children who don't want to do chores...argue with same child who doesn't want to get dressed, answer questions like, 'Is Jesus awake?' and 'Where is my suitcase?' (Is she going somewhere?), and 'How much are pots for plants?' No, you cant do your Webkinz or watch TV. Start laundry, get dressed and brush teeth...take the mascara away from the 3 year old, and the paint and paint brush away from the dog...Could someone find her bone? Make breakfast...clean up breakfast. OH, I need to call our 9AM playdate and warn her about diarrea girl...SIGH. Off to wipe a bottom...break up a fight and say, "NO, you can not paint...go read a book!"

Thanks for listening.

Ask a child...

The other day I sat my oldest two girls, Cassadie,8, and Natalie, 6, down and asked them a question that I had been meditating on. I asked them 'What do you think is most important to God?'

Here are their answers...

• Us, His children
• That we love Him
• That we focus on Him
• Praising Him
• Praying
• Worship
• Going to church to learn about Him
• Spending time with Him in our hearts
• The ten commandments
• Not fighting with each other
• Love others
• Not lying
• Don't hide from Him even if we made bad choices (I think this might be my favorite)

After giving these answers, they felt the list was complete and I let them go play. I sat and looked at their list for a minute and 'pondered them in my heart' and I smiled with Jesus for a couple of reasons. One, I was very pleased that for the most part their responses reflected that they understand that RELATIONSHIP is what is most important to God. That is what I was hoping to see in this snapshot of their hearts. But second of all, the Lord and I had to have a moment remembering together that the fact that these sweet girls of mine know Him at their young age is a treasured miracle. The miracle of a changed legacy. What a gift. What a powerful and merciful God. A God who rescues messed up people from themselves, grabs hold of their hearts, melts the sin away and heals the wounds...That is a God of love. Everlasting Love. Redeeming Love. An undeserved Love. But a TRUE LOVE.

Thank you, Lord, for your Grace. What joy to know you! What joy that my children, YOUR children, know you. And LOVE you. Only by Your grace.

Oh, how I love Jesus!

REST is GOOD!

My sweet hubby is back at work this week. Last week he was on vacation, he was home for 9 days. We had the best week! We didn't do anything special except just hanging out together as a family. It was great. I loved waking up each day, later than normal, drinking coffee together, deciding together what we would do that day. We made it through with surprisingly very little conflict. Yesterday he went back to work. I was nervous about how the kids would adjust....And me! :) It went well though. Tim was physically VERY tired last night. (He does A LOT of heavy lifting all day) But over all we all felt refreshed, refocused and refueled in HIM. I think He has taught me that it is good to rest (hints the whole sabaath idea, I suppose!) This year I commit to letting my heart, mind, and body REST in Him more often.

Uh...didn't they say they would help???

The Home Depot people? Isn't that what they promise? You can do it. WE can help??? Well, we went and bought their paint and no one in an orange apron came with it! I just need the world to know that I HATE TO PAINT!!! For Christmas one of the things we got the girls was a big box of brand new bathroom decor for their VERY girlie 'Dancing' theme bathroom. The box of course included a gallon of very PINK paint. Well, its 10:46 and the first coat is on with hopefully only one more to go.

We have lived here for a year and a half and have now painted every room in our house except the laundry room and a small bathroom. The sad thing is we aren't done. We still have to paint our baseboards in our living room and hallway where we stained the concrete (Tim got a little sloppy) which we are going to actually end up putting wood floors over. The concrete was an affordable in between step because we couldn't afford to do the wood just yet, but I couldn't stand the carpet anymore.

You see we are the king and queen of, 'It can't be that hard!' Well, it usually is, and we usually end up with an additional project just to clean up our mess. UGH.

Anyway, there is no spiritual analogy here...just me needing to get away from the paint fumes for a little while. I guess I should go back in there and make sure Tim hasn't passed out in the pinkness!

I'll post pictures when its done if I can figure out how.

Is His grace really enough...

Or do we want more from Him? My husband and I were talking the other night about checking the motive of our hearts when claiming to do something for the Lord. (common theme lately) We were discussing a story that our pastor told this weekend of a man who had been on the recieving end of a micro-mission. He was on drugs and did not know Christ, but through the people serving him God soften his heart and he gave his life to the Lord. A year later, he was off of drugs, in a Life Group, married and serving on a micro-mission himself. He said that he was just so thankful for God's grace in his life that He wanted to give back to Him.

Tim and I talked about what pure motives this man had. Our talk lead into looking at our own sin of complaining rather having a thankful heart. One of us said you know instead of complaining about doing something we should be thankful that we have a house to clean or healthy children to take care of, or a job that provides for our family, etc...or whatever 'blessing' corresponds with our complaint.

But then we thought...What if we didn't? What if we didn't have all of these things? Like Job, what if we lost it all? Would we still be thankful? Would we still consider ourselves 'blessed'? Would His grace be enough for us to still praise Him or do we try to make Him 'earn' our love with things, relationships, circumstances...?

Lord, help us to know you in a way that we are so taken by who you are that You in yourself are all we need...all we even desire.

Job 1:20-21 Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship. He said, “I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!”

The Much Awaited...

Worshipping God thru laundry and hairbows! It's really not as spectacular as it sounds...if that even sounds spectacular. I just wanted to share something that God and I have been working on for well all of my walk with Him...


When I got pregnant with Cassadie at 19 I began my journey to perfection. I wanted SO BADLY to be THE perfect mom. I'm just now realizing 9 years later that there isn't one.


I worked SO hard! Nursery decor, strollers and car seats, clothes, hair bows, pediatritans, birthday parties, play groups, Christmas dresses, scrapbooks....they were ALL such a HUGE deal. I would drive anywhere and special order everything!


So, shortly after meeting Jesus, He began working on this 'disorder' of mine and peeling the layers away. Slowly but surly giving me more and more freedom. SO much freedom! I could finally BREATHE! But I began to develop an aversion to all that I once was, and as baby after baby after baby arrived I looked around and noticed that I had slowly stopped outwardly and actively LOVING my children. Now, please do not take that statement and run until you hear me explain. I still, always and forever have LOVED my children. I just was not very good at showing them. I developed a fear of mother/child intimacy. All of their physical needs and most of their emotional needs were being met and I felt okay with that. But I had come to live each day with this tone of frustration. I forgot to recognize my children as BLESSINGS...not burdens.


When I did/do feel the conviction the way I responded was to slip back into striving for perfection. I would fail and hate myself and then give up again, staring the process of guilt, overcompensation, and failure all over again.




WELL, I'll fast forward thru a lot to my present discovery...


THE LORD WANTS ME TO LOVE HIM BY LOVING OTHERS.


My present priority 'others' are my husband and four sweet little girls.




I KNOW that for so long I truly believed that serving my family by giving them the most organized home, the best education, and the cutest clothes, etc...was loving them and in turn, loving God. Well, I was loving alright...I have no doubt about that. Loving ME. It was ALL about me. So self-seeking...Love is not self-seeking. I wanted all of those thing in order to gain the approval of man...not God.


However, the other extreme of complete laziness was/is just as much sin. The reason I did the things I did was because I did not know HOW to love. But I also refused to let Him teach me and to do the hard things that loving requires.




SO...I think the do's and don'ts are summed up in this...MOTIVE.

He is now showing me that none of these things that I obsessed over were bad things, it was my motive that was wrong. Searching for the perfect hairbow and having a nice clean and orderly home can be done with a heart of worship BUT so can leaving the laundry in a heaping pile and painting finger nails with my girls.

This may just be a personal struggle...but it was theraputic for me to sort through these things in my mind.

Colossians 3:17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Colossians 3:23-24
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

For the New Year

Tim and I were talking about the past year and goal setting/resolution stuff. I have A LOT of things that I would like God to change in me for 2008. Instead of giving God a To Do List, I want the coming year's theme to follow a prayer that I keep on my refridgerator. I'll share it here so that you all can remind me of it when I get whiny this year!

Whatever Thy Will

Whatever Thy will,
Lord, keep me still.

Thy way is best;
So let me rest.

Let come what may
To me today,

Sunshine or rain,
Pleasure or pain,

Gladness or grief
Distress; relief,

May I believe
All I recieve

Is sent in Love
Down from above.

So let me rest;
Thou knowest best.

Whatever Thy will,
Lord, keep me still.

-Author Unknown

Hope you all have a fun night tonight! Happy New Year!!!!

Boys.

I just have one. My husband. He just came home from buying groceries and was so excited to share his find. I mean REALLY excited. What was it you ask that could bring my husband such joy? All in one 'Hair and Body Wash.' NO. Im not kidding you. One bottle just solved all of his hygiene problems. I think if it was minty fresh he might just pour it on his toothbrush. Sheesh. I do love him though! But I'm really glad I'm a girl. :)

Flu-tide Greetings! (Only borderline funny, I know... Sorry. I need to get out more.)

It started with one teeny tiny germ that I picked up somewhere and BAM my whole world is put on hold. I have the flu. I've had it since Christmas Eve...so for days now I've sat and looked at the Christmas toys and trash and coats and laundry and everything else pile up in my germ infested home. Tim has of course been as much of a help as he can be in the time that he is home, but I am ready to clean my own house. Two cans of Lysol and a gallon of bleach await my recovery. I'm even ready to do laundry...and I HATE laundry. (SHICAH gasps.)

BUT while I have been on this couch of mine I eventually got board with analyzing which side I should lay on to make the snot drain out of my sinus'. (Which I have gotten pretty good at by the way...its kind of like when you are on a Tilt-a-whirl...it takes just the right timing of when to shift your weight to the other side...I know, you're jealous.) So anyway, after that got old...God finally got my attention. He showed me that I did it...the very thing that every Christian determines to NOT do each December. I let the parties and the shopping and the cookies and the family and the sick kids and then the flu overshadow my worship. I feel so robbed. Would you all mind if we did Christmas again? Just for me? Life Chuch wouldn't mind doing all 20,000 services again would they? Ok, probably not going to work out. I do think I will have my own little Christmas re-run though. Just me and Jesus. I've missed Him.

Catching Up

Well...between Ice Storm 2007 and just feeling yucky this week I am behind on blogging! SO...Here's what's new...

My Natalie turned SIX!!! I can NOT believe it...If I knew how, I would post a sweet baby picture and a big girl picture, but I don't. She is just classic. I was looking into her eyes earlier today, which are BIG & BLUE and I told her that when you look in someones eyes you can often see into their hearts. In her eyes I see pure innocence. I just love her. We got her tickets to see The Nutcracker. She is taking hip hop right now, but she is a ballerina at heart. We spent half an hour watching Nutcracker performances on YouTube. She is your classic girl. Happy Birthday my sweet Natalie Kate!

We were out of power some...overnight and then again the next afternoon. Not enough to be miserable, but enough to feel horrible for those still without. A not so fun winter wonderland.

I am really struggling with waking up in the morning before my kids. That time with God is the defining factor of my day. I have been really feeling just not good this week. Maybe the weather. Pray for me to have strength to get out of bed tomorrow! The next week and a half are SO VERY busy. Isn't it funny how badly we need God's strength to make it thru the celebration of the Prince of Peace!!!??? Alainis would think that was Ironic, don't ya think? Sorry, that was a little 1997 for ya!

Well now you are caught up on the world of Christie! Tune in tommorow when Christie talks about the Do's and Don'ts of worshipping thru laundry and hairbows!